Back from the dead

It has certainly been a very long time since I've posted last.

Mathias, my third child, was born on 12. may, 03.19 at night. I was in Copenhagen with my former group from ethnology, having a bit of fun, when she called and asked me to come home, as she wasn't feeling too well.
Although the train stopped midway, and I was too drunk to think of anything else than running home from Lyngby (instead of just hailing a taxi... idiot), I got there in time, we called her mum, an ambulance came and picked us up, and Mathias was born shortly after arriving at Herlev hospital.

The birth itself was over very quickly, he was born in minutes. The rest was traumatic. Cecilie was bleeding, and had to go under anesthesia, nothing serious, but I didn't know that at the time. I sat for hours with Mathias, alone in the delivery room, not knowing how she was.

Luckily everything went well from there on out. Maybe I'll write more about it at a later date, catharsis and all that, but no more at the present.

Mathias is growing like crazy, at the time of writing he is 1½ months old, and he's almost doubled in weight, and has grown a good 7 centimeters.


It would seem as though I suffer from Twitteritis. As soon as I see something interesting, I tweet about it, and it promptly leaves my mind. For some reason ever since I've started using twitter my blog post count has become non-existent.

For what it is worth, here are all my unfinished drafts from the past year, in chronological order:

4/28/08

On saturday Cecilie, Clara and I went to Copenhagen. Andreas spent most of the day with Cecilies mum. I was pretty tired, having (urged on by Cecilie no less) been to KUA for a bit of a party with some brits and fellow students the night before. Good times.
We strolled around in the most excellent sunshine for a while, just enjoying each others company. We met up with my mum and Signe a bit later on, as they had planned a shopping trip for some time. I managed to take some quite decent pictures, macro is your best friend, especially when tired.


4/29/08

I, for some innocuous reason, really, really enjoy jackass. It's just fun, right?

The entire phenomena...

6/28/08

What do you remember...

From when you were a child?

I was born in 1982. The eighties are something I have come to grips with eventually. When I was a teenager, with the angst, an the rebellion and so forth, they were a decade to be despised, full of shoulderpads and bad hair.

But in the last few years, as my children have been growing up, I equate them with happy childhood memories. And a lot of those are based around entertainment media.
Of course there was everything else that defines your memories and who you are as a person, playing with friends, beach, forest, bramble, snow, and everything in between. But there were other times, when it was raining, or you were finally allowed to watch a bit of TV, or, lo and behold, were taken to the cinema, that stick out as well.

The big ones are dominated by George Lucas and Steven Spielberg of course, but there were others, oh yes, there were others. Lazy afternoons at home, spent primarily watching american sitcoms while waiting for Star Trek or Mcgyver to come on, or the matinee program. And here some of the real nuggets emerge: Steve Martin,

7/26/08

Came back from Oslo today, Cecilie and I. The trip was just what I needed. Just my beloved and I, alone, for almost three whole days. Oslo was exciting, if a bit too hot and sweltering for my taste, it definetely merits more of my time, and I shall visit it again.

I've been feeling trapped. By everything really. Studies, family, all in a big snake-like circle, with a fetish for biting its own tail. Unpleasant. I feel much better now, and can again appreciate my family. And I no longer fear the direction my studies are taking me.
I had a bit of an anxiety moment a bit back, when I checked my grades, which are, not to put too fine a point on it, not the best.
And I am used to being the best in the class.
But my priorities have changed immensely. I want to learn something for myself, and become a better human being by doing so, instead of excelling at classes.

My recent preoccupations can best be expressed, peculiarly, through something similar in World of Warcraft. Boy that sounds wrong.

1/31/09

My Son

I love Andreas. But for some reason I am very hard on him a lot of the time.

And I don't even know why. This is not a conscious decision on my part.

2/2/09

Fizz

When I am awake at night, sitting all alone in front of the screen, my brain bubbles with creativity. It is usually at about this time that I am too tired to do anything but gain a few hours of fitful sleep, only to go through another day, that, granted, includes rather a lot of hapiness and to a certain degree deep thought, but very much less than I'd like it to.

Deep thoughts equal happiness to me. Be they philosophical, academical, romantic, humorous... whatever niche of human existence they belong to, the more I understand them, or the better I feel I understand them, the better I feel.

The past

For some reason, I just remembered Latvia.

I was living with this extremely strange family, I've forgotten their name, in a fairly small flat close to the city centre. For some reason I'd gotten the youngest daughters room, whilst she had to sleep in the living room.

My time in Latvia was... fraught with life-changing experiences, but I just remembered a minor one: Going to the Black Market In Riga, buying Linkin Park on casette, and listening to it all night long. Go figure.

Change

Whatever else I may be as a person, I have always tended to be at least somewhat consistent.
When a thoughtprocess has been going on, when I am feeling in a certain way, when something specific has been bothering me; I've always been able to communicate my feelings, if nothing else, through writing.

I may get distracted, and several days may pass before I publish my intended message, but it always gets published in the end.

Usually.

It has been a long time since I've felt the need to write.

There have been ups and downs during the entire time I haven't been writing, have no doubt.

A lot of them.

I've been to Norway with Rolf, on a spontaneous trip arranged by my beautiful Cecilie. Not an unmitigated success.

I've been to a get-together with my old classmates, and on that occasion found out I had some old trauma, that I quickly worked through (superior drunk argumentation). Enjoyable yet harrowing.

I've been thinking deeply about my education, my place in society, the world, and how it relates to my family. No conlusions as of yet.

I am about to have my third child, due in the spring of 2009. Awed.

I have financial troubles, but seriously, meh. Who cares. Side-note.

I've been playing way too much World of Warcraft.

I've started a training regimen that has considerably increased my shoulder muscles, decreased back-pains, and improved my general condition, and it's Wii Fit.

I injured my finger rather badly, and had to stop working out every day as I had been doing for a month. Back-ache is back, bless it.

My two oldest living blood-relatives are both turning 80 this year. I am researching family history and making a narrative of their lives as a result, and Cecilie, the kids and I are going to Germany for christmas as a result.

I've decided to halt my university studies for a year.

I am still battling with my alcoholism, an ongoing fight.

I've started listening to, and enjoying, black- and deathmetal music, genres I've previously ridiculed.

And yet... I haven't felt impelled to write anything about it. Any of it.

And I can't explain why.

The kids, Andreas' first day of school, Halloween, politics, love, Clara's incredible improvements in vocal ability, Cecilie's pregnancy, my undying love for her...

Even minor stuff, like my first character in WoW gaining level 70, getting his first epic from Karazhan...

Nothing.

Hm. Weird.

News? No. Level 70 though.

And I've begun to enjoy black and deathmetal. Coincidence? I think not.

My third child is due at the end of april 2009. My gods. Do I actually have a purpose in this world? Apparently so!

I am taking a break from university in 2009, going back to VUC to better my grades, and winding down my studies for a bit. And, you know, being there to care for my children. No#3. Wow.

The past few months have been times of... meh. Being away from the world. Indifferent to the workings of everyday life.

Zing!

From The God Delusion, Douglas Adams impromptu speech:

Religion . . . has certain ideas at the heart of it which we
call sacred or holy or whatever. What it means is, 'Here is
an idea or a notion that you're not allowed to say anything
bad about; you're just not. Why not? - because
you're not!' If somebody votes for a party that you don't
agree with, you're free to argue about it as much as you
like; everybody will have an argument but nobody feels
aggrieved by it. If somebody thinks taxes should go up or
down you are free to have an argument about it. But on
the other hand if somebody says 'I mustn't move a light
switch on a Saturday', you say, 'I respect that'.
Why should it be that it's perfectly legitimate to support
the Labour party or the Conservative party, Republicans
or Democrats, this model of economics versus that,
Macintosh instead of Windows - but to have an opinion
about how the Universe began, about who created the
Universe . .. no, that's holy? . .. We are used to not
challenging religious ideas but it's very interesting how
much of a furore Richard creates when he does it!
Everybody gets absolutely frantic about it because you're
not allowed to say these things. Yet when you look at it
rationally there is no reason why those ideas shouldn't be
as open to debate as any other, except that we have agreed
somehow between us that they shouldn't be.

The Ugly Duckling

Random Character Sketches.5 Minutes.

Reenergized

I've been working fairly hard for the past couple of days, and am well on my way to actually finishing something i can be proud of. Goodness.

Next semester starts on the fourth, with my first bachelor-seminar. Whee.

Still completely blank regarding Design, which I am taking this semester, no information has been forthcoming. Bleh, I might just complain to the ministry of education, this is ridiculous.

On another note:

Metallica, last chance. The first album of yours I ever heard was Reload, which was an integral part of my teenage existence, and only recently, in the past few years, have I come to appreciate your "old" music. Needless to say, your earliest albums are now on my personal top ten list of best metal... ever. That being said, I don't hate any of your other albums. Not even St. Anger, I just don't listen to it.

But you pulled some seriously dumb shit back in the day, with the entire Napster incident. It has been a long while since then, and I've never really dwelled upon the issue, I've been to a few of your concerts, and they were good. Especially the one at Roskilde Festival, you know the one I'm talking about. That one was absolutely epic.

But it all comes down to the music. Most reviewers are ambivalent about the upcoming album, but not entirely negative. It's hard to live up to the legacy you've created, I know, but just... try to do your thing. Be Metallica again.

Laissez-faire

Lately I've been feeling rather useless. Not much has been happening, and I certainly haven't been helping things along. And I don'r really seem to care all that much either. I've been playing World of Warcraft like a proverbial motherfucker, and basically that's it. The daily goings on of a household excluded, I've become the pinnacle example of a waste of skin. In Azeroth though, I've made more than 2000 gold on the auction house, and levelled my paladin from 48 to 62 in a month.

Recent activities:

Read my first Jules Verne ever (the shame) Journey to the centre of the earth, went to Oslo with Cecilie, planned a trip to Germany this christmas, at the moment reading Sherlock Holmes, different texts on logic and argumentation that will surely come in handy once I begin studying again. Taken up bicycling, which is much more fun than I remembered. Procrastinated.

We've been out and about rather more than is usual for us this summer, Cecilie, the kids and I.
Have rather a lot of photos lying about on my harddrive(s) that should by rights be online. These include but are not limited to:

Andreas starting at school, with his giant Schultüte, Clara reading a book with one eyebrow raised, Cecilie looking beautiful in the Norwegian capital. Me sitting on my couch gazing deeply into my navel.

Placidity

It has been an uneventful day.

The sun has been baking the earth, and my head, too.

I love when it is this warm. You can't think, therefore you don't have to think. It's like being drunk in that regard. Relaxing.

Just saw Wanted, quite a good movie, if a bit naive in its execution, the point was still driven home. There were quite a lot of leaps, both logically and in the narrative, but the whole experience made them less important. And Angelina Jolie is one of the hottest women on the planet.

Now the sun is down, my brain is cooling off... and I feel like doing something. Sitting at the beach all night with a lit fire. Something.

At lot of my life lately has been about mood. The other night I had to stay up with Clara, as she had fallen out of her bed, and we were scared she might have a concussion. I sat up until the early morning, and watched Jamie at Home. And I pretty much was in the english countryside during the summer.

I don't know. I guess I am just used to a bit more happening than it is right now, I am in between studies, I don't know anything about when my reexam is going to be, I don't know where I am starting this september... and there's not much for me to do about it, as everyone is on vacation.
Ergo I feel like doing something. Anything. Bleh, I'll just play some more WoW probably.

An old blogpost

From the year 2007, 31st of december:

Another year almost gone by. And, I have to say, not a bad one. I feel much better, in my self, than I ever have before. Well, over longer periods of time.

While browsing facebook, I asked myself the eternal (to me) question, why don’t I have that many friends? And it struck me, I do. My perception of what a friendship entails has just been skewed, in relation to the rest of the world. There are people I like to drink with, people whose humour I share, people I like to discuss with… and so forth. In olden days (the world according to Nils) I felt alone a lot of the time. Even while I was together with people. Validation seems to be a key issue for me, and, to be honest, having everyones attention. But this past year has been really parched of social interaction. And yet, I don’t feel sad. On the 22nd of december Cecilie and I went to see Crazy Christmas Cabaret in Tivoli with some friends, Anja, my old roommate, Hanne, and a lot of other very funny and intelligent people.

Thing is, I had fun while it lasted, but when we got home, and even while riding the bus there, I felt a shitload of melancholy starting to settle in. Gone now, thank the (non-existant) gods. The reason for it was that this group of people have been friends, closely-knit friends, for a long time now. Very much like the Tv-show of the same name.

For a while, while I lived with Anja, I tried to fit in the group, tried my very damn hardest to be one of them, yet never quite succeeded. At the time I felt I was being shunned, and wasn’t being given the same status as others in the group, yet now I realise; why should I? I hadn’t been there for very long, nevertheless I expected instant trust. I am just fairly socially… untrained, let us say. By the way guys, should you ever read this, sorry for being such an asshole. I do make friends, now and again, yet these friendships always seem to peter out. And a lot of it is my doing. I suck at keeping contact with people, and I am just not the kind of person who fits into a given role in a group. I did for a while in Latvia, Dzintars, Ivars and the rest of you guys, shout out, and other ghetto slang. But I was experimenting with my persona at the time, trying out things because I had never been able to do them in Denmark, leaving behind my real, and imagined, social stigma.

I didn’t really feel like I fitted in there, yet for a time I did. But the Feeling of not fitting in has ever haunted me. And now I come to realise… why? Because people don’t contact me all the time? When they do I usually blow them off. Invitations to parties, and so forth… I might feel to tired, lazy, or just too damn apathetic to go somewhere, or just have a rotten day… I let a lot of things go by, by my own choosing. The world isn’t shunning me, I just can’t use it when and if I feel like having contact with other people. Which I have. And I can’t expect people to need me, when I’m not there for them half the time. It just doesn’t work that way.

There are a lot of people I have let down in the past, and should any of you read this damn thing (I doubt it), I would like to apologise, from the bottom of my heart. Søren, I stayed with you for the best part of a month when I had broken up with Michala, we drank loads of beer, which I needed, and listened to far too much Elvis.

Rob, you have been a good friend to me, even though you play more computer than listen, you listened more than enough. And you rock at MMORPGs. Thank you for getting drunk with me at Cafe Woody in Lyngby, and paying for the whole damn thing too. And, for the record, you can hold more liquor than I.

Ivars, I am sorry we lost touch, you were a great friend to me, in a land that was foreign to me (although that changed with time) and we had some genuinely good times. The party at the Academy, when we were going crazy at that unnamed band’s metal concert was damn fun!

Robert, we met up at Roskilde, and you just kept the contact… I borrowed your electrical guitar, we had some fun, you payed for fucking Metallica! And I just lost touch, like I always do, and made up some excuse to myself…

All of you, a lot of you unmentioned, through the times, thank you. I have tried at times to trivialize our friendship, because it was easier for me, I made myself believe it didn’t really matter, that you didn’t really like me. But why the hell would you spend so much time with me if you didn’t!?

See? This is how much I apparently have loathed myself. I never stopped to think that the lack of my presence might hurt someone, I just thought “they can’t possibly like me for who I am”, or even worse, “I don’t like them”, because of some imagined slight, or what some unknown people might think.

And to my family; I love you. Everyone of you. Cecilie Andreas Clara Pia Signe Rolf Walter Mette Guldborg Lene Peter Gertrud, Kläre Ernst… And all the rest.

I can’t put into words how much each of you mean to me. Cecilie, my darling wife, you are my soulmate (not in a trite way either) the best friend I have ever had. My children, my little darling orcs, you are the light of my life. Mum, siblings, Dad, uncles, aunts, grandmums… All of you.

I am sorry for ever being unappreciative. And I am truly appreciative of what you have done for me, without you, all of you, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And I’m not all that bad.

Every choice we make influences us, and our path in life. But remember, it influences everyone around you too. Now don’t go all religious on me, just think before you cut someone from your life for no good reason.

Happy new year everyone.

Return to World of Warcraft

I just reactivated mine and Cecilies WoW account. And I don't really know why!

Last time I played was in december last year, for a month, the same madness that has gripped me now was in effect.

Fun is to be had playing it... I just can't put my finger on how, or why. When playing, I have my laptop open on the table, to play flash games, check email, or blog, as I am doing this very instant.

MMORPG'ing is full of dead time, scanning auctions, travelling, waiting for mob respawns... and you get tired of it, and vow never to waste your time with it again.

But then, a time will come, when you are inexorably drawn into the game again, at least for a while.

Sigh. There's just no helping some people I expect.

Now, Melthar, my level 46 Shaman, will journey off to lands far away, trying like hell to remember his attack macro, or for that matter what skills he needs from his equipment, and what it means when a monsters level is represented by question marks.

Amazing

I'm sitting in  the bus on my way home from my dad's. Rolf, my dad and me just watched Germany vs. Turkey in the EM semifinals. And really got into it too, it was a fairly nervewracking game... and had an all around good time. I've just spent quality time with my dad. Now, to keep the ball rolling; If being interested in some kind of sport is what it is going to take to reconnect to my dad, then so be it.

Deadline

So it seems I won't be making the deadline for my current exam, which has to be delivered on friday.

The kids have been home for a bit over three weeks now because of the strike, and my workflow has suffered because of it. You can't just sit them down in front of the TV the entire time, and even if you could they will not exactly be quiet, and we live in a very small apartment (by western standards).

Ah well, a bit of a weight off my shoulders for now, I just hope I can get it rescheduled so everything fits together, and I have time on my hands to actually get some work done. Yeah, that would be nice.

Addiction

I get drunk now and then. As I am at this moment.

Why? To myself, the reason is to relax. When drunk, and alone I might add, I can abstract from the rest of the world.

When not, a pervasive bitterness flows through me at times of stress. Be this a sign of my sickness or of the world being sick, is merely a matter of the individual point of view.

The matter of my addiction is not up for debate however. Whenever I have been drinking, I crave another drink, unless I am overwhelmed by nausea.

When I do drink alone, introspection is my constant fellow.

Now, when I get sleepy, I will go to sleep. But, at the moment, I do not feel like that at all. Breaking whatever boundaries, breaching all barriers... this is what I crave to do. The only problem with this is that the only limits exacted are those I put upon myself, in whatever way. Blast. I feel like loading up some music on my mobile phone, putting on some warm clothes, and walking off into the night, to just think.

But then what? What of the day after, and the people it will affect?
Thus, existence takes its toll.

Magic.

Do you remember the first time you saw ET? (insert life-altering pop-culture reference here)

Every once in a while I'll wake up, and that sense of... something more is just tantalizingly out of reach. I can remember how it used to feel, and will inevitably try to catch that feeling again, yet the more I strive to do just that, the more quickly it eludes me.

 

Things that recapture that feeling for me:

Steampunk, for some reason.

Playing old Monkey Island games.

Walking in nature will at times get me there too. Twilight seems to work best.