Another year almost gone by. And, I have to say, not a bad one. I feel much better, in my self, than I ever have before. Well, over longer periods of time.
While browsing facebook, I asked myself the eternal (to me) question, why don’t I have that many friends? And it struck me, I do. My perception of what a friendship entails has just been skewed, in relation to the rest of the world. There are people I like to drink with, people whose humour I share, people I like to discuss with… and so forth. In olden days (the world according to Nils) I felt alone a lot of the time. Even while I was together with people. Validation seems to be a key issue for me, and, to be honest, having everyones attention. But this past year has been really parched of social interaction. And yet, I don’t feel sad. On the 22nd of december Cecilie and I went to see Crazy Christmas Cabaret in Tivoli with some friends, Anja, my old roommate, Hanne, and a lot of other very funny and intelligent people.
Thing is, I had fun while it lasted, but when we got home, and even while riding the bus there, I felt a shitload of melancholy starting to settle in. Gone now, thank the (non-existant) gods. The reason for it was that this group of people have been friends, closely-knit friends, for a long time now. Very much like the Tv-show of the same name.
For a while, while I lived with Anja, I tried to fit in the group, tried my very damn hardest to be one of them, yet never quite succeeded. At the time I felt I was being shunned, and wasn’t being given the same status as others in the group, yet now I realise; why should I? I hadn’t been there for very long, nevertheless I expected instant trust. I am just fairly socially… untrained, let us say. By the way guys, should you ever read this, sorry for being such an asshole. I do make friends, now and again, yet these friendships always seem to peter out. And a lot of it is my doing. I suck at keeping contact with people, and I am just not the kind of person who fits into a given role in a group. I did for a while in Latvia, Dzintars, Ivars and the rest of you guys, shout out, and other ghetto slang. But I was experimenting with my persona at the time, trying out things because I had never been able to do them in Denmark, leaving behind my real, and imagined, social stigma.
I didn’t really feel like I fitted in there, yet for a time I did. But the Feeling of not fitting in has ever haunted me. And now I come to realise… why? Because people don’t contact me all the time? When they do I usually blow them off. Invitations to parties, and so forth… I might feel to tired, lazy, or just too damn apathetic to go somewhere, or just have a rotten day… I let a lot of things go by, by my own choosing. The world isn’t shunning me, I just can’t use it when and if I feel like having contact with other people. Which I have. And I can’t expect people to need me, when I’m not there for them half the time. It just doesn’t work that way.
There are a lot of people I have let down in the past, and should any of you read this damn thing (I doubt it), I would like to apologise, from the bottom of my heart. Søren, I stayed with you for the best part of a month when I had broken up with Michala, we drank loads of beer, which I needed, and listened to far too much Elvis.
Rob, you have been a good friend to me, even though you play more computer than listen, you listened more than enough. And you rock at MMORPGs. Thank you for getting drunk with me at Cafe Woody in Lyngby, and paying for the whole damn thing too. And, for the record, you can hold more liquor than I.
Ivars, I am sorry we lost touch, you were a great friend to me, in a land that was foreign to me (although that changed with time) and we had some genuinely good times. The party at the Academy, when we were going crazy at that unnamed band’s metal concert was damn fun!
Robert, we met up at Roskilde, and you just kept the contact… I borrowed your electrical guitar, we had some fun, you payed for fucking Metallica! And I just lost touch, like I always do, and made up some excuse to myself…
All of you, a lot of you unmentioned, through the times, thank you. I have tried at times to trivialize our friendship, because it was easier for me, I made myself believe it didn’t really matter, that you didn’t really like me. But why the hell would you spend so much time with me if you didn’t!?
See? This is how much I apparently have loathed myself. I never stopped to think that the lack of my presence might hurt someone, I just thought “they can’t possibly like me for who I am”, or even worse, “I don’t like them”, because of some imagined slight, or what some unknown people might think.
And to my family; I love you. Everyone of you. Cecilie Andreas Clara Pia Signe Rolf Walter Mette Guldborg Lene Peter Gertrud, Kläre Ernst… And all the rest.
I can’t put into words how much each of you mean to me. Cecilie, my darling wife, you are my soulmate (not in a trite way either) the best friend I have ever had. My children, my little darling orcs, you are the light of my life. Mum, siblings, Dad, uncles, aunts, grandmums… All of you.
I am sorry for ever being unappreciative. And I am truly appreciative of what you have done for me, without you, all of you, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And I’m not all that bad.
Every choice we make influences us, and our path in life. But remember, it influences everyone around you too. Now don’t go all religious on me, just think before you cut someone from your life for no good reason.
Happy new year everyone.
